Q. My brother-in-law is so annoying. He thinks he knows everything and he likes to hear himself talk. Forget trying to tell him anything. And believe me, it’s isn’t just me who feels this way, ask anyone of my friends…they all think he is a jerk. How can I get him to stop doing this?
A. I don’t think you are going to like my answer. But I hope you will hear me out. Saying that someone or something is annoying (or any negative quality) is something I hear pretty frequently from my counseling clients and often in the population at large. The truth is these kinds of statements are not empowering and keep us at the effect of people and circumstances in our lives. I don’t want you to stay stuck in this kind of thinking. Here are some important principles to help empower you around this subject:
1. The stimulus is always neutral – Like it or not, the only meaning that something has is the one that you ascribe to it. Several people can look at the same event or the same person and have completely different reactions to it or to that person. Ask your brother-in-law’s friends what they think of him, they will tell you something different – they probably like him and like spending time with him. They may say “Sure, he talks a lot, but that’s just how he is.” Most people’s personalities are multi-faceted…you are just zeroing in one facet of his personality that you are labeling annoying.
2. You are responsible for your feelings – Putting others in the driver’s seat of your emotions causes stress, frustration and discontent. People who seek advice about this kind of problem are usually the ones dealing with the frustration, upset and discomfort…not the person who is described as having the problem. It’s your brain’s neuropeptides that are being effected…not that person’s. Why give someone power over your feelings? No one can make you feel any way unless you give them the right to do so. Accept the responsibility that YOU feel this way…then you can do something about the feeling. You can’t do something about the person.
3. The confirmation of others doesn’t necessarily prove your belief is true – Yes, it’s true…you could line up twenty of your friends and they would tell you that you are right…your brother-in-law is a jerk. But remember this: a) they have heard a lot about him from you and have already formed an opinion of him; they like/love you so will more than likely be on your side – it’s human nature; and b) we generally pick friends who are like us and have similar interests – more than likely they will agree with you because they probably share your interests and values…otherwise why would you be friends with them. Remember, your brother-in-law and his friends may have a negative opinion about you and your friends…who is right?
Your judgments negatively effect your well-being. Putting yourself in the driver’s seat of your emotions is one of the valuable steps you can take to empower your life.
Kate Sanner, ACSW, LCSW-C
